Okay…38 weeks pregnant today. The last week flew by.
Lots to catch y’all up on (if you only follow the blog and not any other form of social media), so let’s get started.
Yep. No suspense there. It’s happening. March 6th, 2015 to be exact. Which is eight days from now.
At our ultrasound last week (37 weeks on the dot), the tech estimated that baby boy was weighing in at an astoundingly large 9 pounds, 6 ounces. YIKES OMG WHY. We were kept around to talk to the CNM afterwards, with whom we had a brief meeting during which she heavily laid on the “you should have a c-section” talk. I held it together long enough for us to get to the car before bursting into tears—like, a lot of tears. The first words I got out of my mouth was, “I’m not going to be able to hold our son when he’s born.” Every time I repeat this or even think about it, I cry or get close to it. I’m tearing up now.
I’m sure anyone who has a baby and finds out they need a c-section could feel like this. Heartbroken at the opportunities and experiences that’ll be missed. I’m not saying I’m special. But seriously? Two babies have come and gone from me. They’ve been ripped from my body with tools under bright lights, and I wasn’t able to hold or see either of them. Is a c-section the same as those two D&E’s? No. I know that. They were dead; he’s alive and healthy. But the idea that this baby, this little boy that I was finally able to carry to term, can’t come into the world with as little intervention as possible breaks my heart. It just does. It hurts, down to the core. It’s been a week and while I feel a bit better, I’m still not entirely okay with it. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I think I’ll have moments of weakness right up until the moment before it happens. Maybe even after. But he will be here, and he will be safe.
Initially, my reaction was “hell no” and I was going to figure out a way to battle for an induction instead. I did some research over the weekend that terrified me and only depressed me, as I found very contradictory evidence: some say doctors push for c-sections all the time and are wrong; others say the risks of a stuck baby are not worth forgoing the c-section and to trust a doctor’s decision.
Oh, and I forgot to mention—the appointment was Thursday, and I told my CNM that my husband and I would discuss it and she said we had to tell the OB at our March 3rd appointment with her what our decision was. Of course, Friday, the scheduling office calls to book the c-section. Huh?! I was so caught off guard, and asked to talk to the OB (which I never did, but her schedule was booked that day). I explained that we were going to discuss the decision on the 3rd, and the nurse explained that in order to get me in for the 6th, which is when my OB wanted to do the surgery, they had to schedule it much sooner than the 3rd. After calling my husband and talking to him, I called the woman back and apologized for being so flustered earlier and said we would schedule it just in case. She laughed and told me she understood, and that she’d booked it anyway, explaining she’d rather have to cancel than have me lose the perfect spot (I’ll be 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant).
So anyway…I kicked my baby preparation into overdrive (more on that to come) and busied myself for a few days. Then the other night I start researching big babies, induction, and c-sections, and work myself into a tizzy again. Scared for baby boy, scared for myself (I mean it’s major surgery), worried I’ll make the wrong decision, angry that I feel so lost…and just sad.
…and Yesterday’s CNM Appointment
Early yesterday afternoon, we went in for the weekly appointment with another CNM (the one who saw me for the cramping a few weeks ago). She reviewed my chart, and explained why they recommended the decisions they did. She asked if I had questions, and I asked, and she answered to the best of her ability (letting me know when appropriate that my OB will have a better answer when I see her next week). She reassured me that the c-section was a wise decision; she tried to quell some of the fears I had about the procedure itself; she explained how adamant the hospital would be about getting me, my husband, and the baby all together as soon as possible.
My husband and I are still scared. We’re still bummed that it doesn’t seem like we have a choice. But ultimately, with how hard we worked to just bring this little guy into the world, we don’t want to risk hurting him. Do I think I’m going to regret the decision if he comes out at a measly 8 pounds or so? Probably. I might be a little resentful of my doctors, too. But I have to believe that I’m making the right decision for him, and me, in this moment, with the knowledge I have. Yesterday’s CNM tried to guess size by external palpation, but because I was overweight to start with (and because I’m evidently swollen all over), the ultrasound is more reliable…as reliable as the ultrasound is, anyway.
So there you go. The countdown is on. Among all the other emotions I’ve mentioned, I am excited and relieved. I’m excited for my son to be here. I’m excited to hold him, kiss him, love him, snuggle him, care for him…and I’m relieved to have an end date to this pregnancy that ends with happiness instead of sadness. ❤
BABY PREP! #cantstopwontstop
Nursery: Last weekend, my father came over on Saturday after seeing a movie with my mom to help out. I had spent a few hours finishing the taping of the molding, ceiling, doors, windows, etc. Together with him and my husband, we finished priming the walls. On Sunday, my cousin came over and helped me paint one of the three walls that will be a cream color (the fourth wall will be a fox-orange accent). Last night, my brother’s girlfriend came over and helped me paint the other two cream-colored walls! BAM. I’m hoping I can finagle someone to come over maybe tomorrow, or convince my husband to help on Friday (he’s a little tired of the nursery walls at this point, haha) to get the second cream coat on those three walls…with the ultimate goal of painting that final orange wall this weekend. We shall see. But progress has for sure been made.
Furniture: Over the last week or so, I’ve been ordering the furniture piece by piece. First was the crib, which arrived yesterday. The single end table I ordered should be arriving at the end of this week, I think? I ordered the dresser and changing table the other night. All of this stuff I was able to get off of Amazon…the only piece that I can’t find on there is the armoire, so I think I’ll order that directly from Babies ‘R’ Us. Everything is cherry wood.
The furniture wasn’t really crucial to baby boy’s arrival, but it would be nice to have something to put in the room once it’s painted. I have the pack-and-play stuffed to the gills with all the “nursery decor” and I could always just roll that into the room until later…but I want to have it all set up and ready. Or as much as possible, anyway. Plus, having the changing table will be helpful considering I’ll not be very bendable in the beginning.
If we could get the crib and dresser put together before he’s here, that would make me happiest. I want the crib available as a little storage area if need be while we are still getting the room arranged, and I want the drawers of the dresser available for his clothes.
Baby Clothes: Speaking of his clothes, I received his detergent in the mail earlier this week. I decided to go with babyganics (although I’m considering changing to method after reading some reviews of other babyganics products, and having a discussion about method with my brother’s girlfriend as compared to Seventh Generation…) and got two bottles. Sometime soon (maybe today? maybe while we work on everything else this weekend?) I will be washing all the clothes we have for the little guy ranging from 0-3 months to 6 months. Yay!
Baby Gear: We got the pack-and-play from my aunt and uncle on Valentine’s Day weekend, which we promptly put together (and I then stuffed full of nursery decor). I ordered a swing/bounder combo from Graco, and that has been delivered and put together (sitting beside the bassinet/lounger in our bedroom like the elephants in the room saying a baby is on the way…). And then I’ve just been ordering random little things that I think of along the way off Amazon, like a bottle sterilizer and organic nipple butter and other things. I think it’s almost every day of the week that I have a box with the Amazon logo waiting for me in the living room when I get home from work. And my bank account is also shriveling up into nothing…
Reading: I’m about halfway through my breastfeeding book, and I’ll be frantically reading some of the other two baby books I have before next Friday. I’ve been pretty good about setting aside some time every day to read, and I think if I keep it up, I’ll be okay.
Other Random Crap: This morning, I called back my hospital (they called a few days ago and I missed it) to pre-register for the c-section. I called my insurance about the breast pump. I’m going to look into the pediatricians available at my doctor’s practice later today. This weekend, my husband and I will install the car seat base and make sure we know how to get the car seat in properly and all that. This weekend, I really need to pack the hospital and diaper bags and get them ready to go. On Saturday, we (yes, I said we, my darling husband shall be attending with me because SUPPORT) have a short two-hour breastfeeding class, which I plan to follow up with a trip to some store to get some nursing bras. Aren’t you so proud of me? I have plans in place, I’ve been getting things done…I feel like we’ll make it. We will be more or less ready for this kid in about a week’s time.
This is my second-to-last pregnancy update. I can’t promise it’ll be coherent, or worth reading, or even anything more than a few lines long and consist of anything but “HOLY CRAP I AM HAVING A BABY TOMORROW,” but I will post one final update next Thursday, on the eve of the c-section. After that—I don’t know, postpartum updates? Weekly? Biweekly? Monthly? Ugh. I don’t know. I can’t wait until it’s spring and I can write about things other than endless snow and pregnancy because all I have done for the last two months is be stuck indoors because of the stupid weather.
Despite all the emotions I’ve depicted above, I do want to end on this: I am so excited about next Friday. (Yes, that required italics and bold and underline.) I can’t believe my husband and I will finally have a little baby in our family. I’m amazed at the fact that this dream we’ve been chasing for over two years will finally be realized. How our son comes into the world may not be what I wanted, but it really won’t matter in the end. He will be here. He will be ours. We will finally become parents in the way we’ve always wanted.
And that, my family and friends, is really what this is all about. This little amazing boy that we’ve longed for. He’s coming. We can’t wait. ❤